


Are you awake yet (I'd like you to see the light of day)

by PaperHatsandPaperBoats



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Lena attempting to cope with and come to terms with a lot, Little fun, Mostly from Lena's point of view, Rebuilding relationships through scenarios that have been done but I wanted to try, it's a little angsty, snippets of Kara's
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29956734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperHatsandPaperBoats/pseuds/PaperHatsandPaperBoats
Summary: Each morning, there is a routine, wake up, coffee, work, food, sleep, never in that order, never those same things, but work is there, always. When the entire multiverse is blow up and put back together, a death, the second death really, of a bother,  friends gone, family gone, nothing but work, utterly alone, ones mind might start to see things, real or not. Lena might start seeing a superhero, a friend, everywhere.It's in the corners, shadows, rooftops, boxes neatly packed away in a mindscape, in the fractures of her reality, those fracture, the tricks the eyes play, they become the true reality.Piecing the fractured bits together, letting the shadows become light, allowing corners to become open rooms. That's the challenge.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	Are you awake yet (I'd like you to see the light of day)

Lena stops in her tracks just outside her building. A quick glimpse of blonde curls attached to brown leather loafer and chinos, rounding the corner, out of sight. Lena squints after the quick glance, mad unnecessarily. Mad because her first thought was _Kara_. It could have been anyone rushing off to work. She sighs heavily, checking the time of her phone before ducking into her building, ready to barricade herself in her office for the day.

It’s weeks of this. Arriving at her office, staying there until night has long since fallen over Nation City. Long after Jess pokes her head into her office, telling her she’s leaving and urging Lena to go home. Weeks of stupid glimpses of blonde hair around every corner, at the edge of her vision. She can’t stand it. She can’t stand how she hates being alone when she used to relish in it.

Lena asks Jess for the key to the roof, a place she hadn’t ventured to in quite some time. She trades her heels for flats and climbs the metal stairs out into the open hair of the city. The sun blinds her momentarily, she should have thought to bring her sunglasses, but her hand blocking out the light will do until her eyes adjust. She waits in the entryway, blinking past the burn in her eyes before taking a step out onto the crunchy gravel of the rooftop.

Lena takes in several deep, calming breaths, feeling the corner of her mouth tweak up just the slightest, the barest hint of a smile. A tug she hadn’t felt or displayed in weeks. She walks towards the hidden area of the roof and stops in her tracks as she rounds the corner of the heating duct revealing her little hideout Kara had helped create.

The plants are thriving, flowers blooming, the small trash can next to one of the chairs is nearly full with empty coffee cups and food wrappers. Lena hadn’t been up here in nearly two months, the plants should be dead. The garbage should be empty. Lena doesn’t dwell on it. Doesn’t want to think that maybe she hadn’t cleaned up from the times she had taken lunch with Kara here instead of her office. Doesn’t want to think that she left herself breadcrumbs to lead her back to Kara. After Lena had helped them defeat Leviathan. After the last handshake that left Lena feeling hopeful for a future friendship. Little did she know then that it was only a confirmation that their future would only be about work.

Lena had enough work. Work she was finally able to focus on, tick off the boxes of a near infinite to-do list. Lena knew it was her fault, that it was only just work. The pain, losing everyone, manipulating, lying. One mistake did not need the full force for a Luthor take down. But that is what Lena fell back on. She felt the heat from being burned, so she blew everything up in retribution. What remained after the pieces fell was just _work_ and her resume didn’t align with the tasks any longer.

So the space on the roof, a space she had thought she requested to be thoroughly cleaned, was not her mind playing tricks. She refuses to believe she’d allow her mind to keep tiny pieces of Kara when her heart so desperately wanted her gone. She refuses to believe she left coffee cups and wrappers. But here they were still. An oversight she will fix when she returns to her office.

Lena clears her throat, effectively wiping the thoughts from her mind as she drops herself onto one of the chairs, tucking her leg underneath herself as she sits. She feels her heart grip a little, her back stiffen, feels her mind slip even further. Her pant leg had ridden up as she sat, the exposed skin of her ankle is now playing tricks too. It’s the sun, it must be, even in the shade. There is no discernible reason the chair should feel warm. Warm to the touch of her bare skin. As if someone had just vacated the seat.

Lena doesn’t return to the roof top for another week. When she does, she immediately turns back inside after rounding the corner to the hidden spot. The trash can empty, a small, wet ring of condensation on the table. One side of it spread out over the table as if an iced coffee had been pulled away in haste. She doesn’t want to touch either seat. She doesn’t want to know if they are warm.

\-----

Lena tugs at the high collar of her dress, the stitching feeling itchy and suffocating. She cocks her neck side to side, working out the tension there. She takes a minute at her bathroom mirror, practicing her smile, however fake, she wills her eyes to stop watering. She lifts her chin, eyes drying, her resolve winning this time, hardening. She scowls at herself, eyes darting all over her reflection. She feels disgusted with herself. No family, no friends. Nothing. And it was all her fault.

She physically feels her heart encase itself in steel, no, better yet, lead. Impenetrable. Untouchable. Unknowing. She smiles once more, fake as the jewels she’s about to see on the necks of the elite later that evening. No one wears anything of value to a Luthor event anymore. No one expects to be at a Luthor event for longer than nine in the evening. No one expects anything but chaos, bloodshed, guns, robbery, or alien invasions. Most times people expect all of it at once. 

Lena pulls the bulletproof corset down underneath her dress, briefly touching the gun holstered to her inner thigh. She can do an L-Corp event without support, without the Superfriends or back up or really, any friends or allies at all. She’s done it for years before, she is good at slipping back into old habits. 

By quarter after nine, the murmuring in the room grows louder, the guests start chugging champagne, eyes darting all around, the food starts going into purses and pockets. Lena watches it all from backstage, she is set to speak in just a few minutes. Her eyes searching around just as fast as her guests. She is waiting. Waiting for an attack, an explosion, an intrusion. Anything. She didn’t even write a speech. Donations were collated at the door. The actual guest of honor spoke first. Many had already started migrating towards the door.

By half past nine, nothing has happened. The second round of appetizers makes its way out to the floor, the bars are overflowing with guests hitting the hard stuff, the champagne steadily flowing. 

“Ms. Luthor, you’re up in twenty seconds,” a young man holding a clipboard calls to Lena backstage.

“Yes, thank you,” Lena shakes the unnerving feeling of being watched from her bones, steadies her heart, her mind. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath looking up at the ceiling. She swears she sees the glint of a gun through the sky light, swears she can make out the black-clad figure of someone but they are gone as she blinks.

Lena steps out onto the stage after her brief introduction. The wild energy of the crowd, the growing concern, hits her like that of a tidal wave. She absorbs it, feeling it in her bones.

“Thank you all for coming,” Lena pauses, looking around the room, the crowd follows Lena’s eyes, settling on the exit doors, then up to the windowed roof. Lena even sees a few people flinch. “I’ll admit,” Lena doesn’t have any note cards to even push away to pretend like she had written anything, “I didn’t prepare a speech.” Lena pulls the microphone from the stand and moves in front of the podium to the light sprinkle of nervous laughter.

“I’d give you a reason, but I think you can all guess why I chose not to write one. We are still here, in this room, unscathed, well after the time something unexplained tends to happen,” the nervous laughter in the room grows, some of it even sounding genuine. Lena finds herself smiling. “With your donations tonight, we’re slated to repair the infrastructure of the city well beyond the damage left by my brother. We’ve even set aside a little portion in advance for those windows up there,” Lena points to the ceiling, all eyes following her hand, the room seems to take in one collective breath, holding it.

Lena waits a few beats, before an honest to god chuckle fills the sound of the speaker system. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh,” The crowd laughs along with her. “That was the perfect opening, wasn’t it?”

Lena feels her shoulders shake in a deep, silent laugh, she feels her eyes sting a little.

“So it seems this might be the first L-Corp event that is in fact, uneventful,” Lena moves around the stage with the confidence of a few glasses of champagne and the gleeful eyes of the crowd. “We’ve restocked all the bars. Appetizers are still making their way around the room. Let’s,” Lena pauses, quickly and subtly, wiping the faintest of tears from her eyes. Maybe from holding back her laughter, maybe from the pain of one thing going right and not being able to share it with anyone. “Let’s enjoy this and hope we have more uneventful events in the future.”

Lena holds up her glass of champagne, clapping and a few cheers come from the crowd as the chatter nearly quadruples in volume from minutes ago. Lena retreats behind the stage of the curtain, hearing a crash deep at the back of the stage. She downs her champagne, keeping hold of the glass for a weapon, knowing her gun is a last resort, and wanders away from the thunderous noise of the main hall.

She pushes through a second set of curtains, then through an open stage door. She looks for a light switch, too dark in the room to see anything. Her fingers brush against one on the wall, the room suddenly bathed in light. She does a quick lap of the space, heart beating wildly. Nothing.

No ticking bomb, no hidden device of any kind. No alien or person in sight. She makes it to the chained up glass door in the far corner of the room. The green glow of the exit sign lighting up this portion of the room more than the overhead light. Still nothing.

She turns her back to the door, looking into the empty room, expecting a sneak attack. Nothing. When she turns back to look outside into the dark parking lot, she swears she sees a flash of blue, red, and gold. She swears she sees it, but she can’t prove it.

On her way back, Lena misses the disturbed dust on the floor. Dozens of booted foot prints, the distinct lines of several bodies being dragged out through the exit.

\-------

Lena feels okay. Truly okay, walking into L-Corp the next Monday. She doesn’t look around when she exits her car as it pulls up to the front of the building. She doesn’t even think about looking around. She thanks her driver and walks in, head held high. Nodding and smiling at the people she makes eye contact with on the way to the elevator. 

She simply doesn’t see the blonde hair and olive-green chinos standing at the corner. She doesn’t see how they don’t dart away but stay rooted, watching. She misses the tiny, barely there smile, the slight, resolute nod of a head.

Lena doesn’t feel the pull to look around corners anymore. She doesn’t feel the need to explore noises or seek them out. She leans into work, splitting her time at the top of the tower and deep in the basement in R&D. She’s creating, she’s leading. She’s slipping into good from okay. And she is doing it on her own.

She spends more time than she likes to admit in the lab after working hours. Often staying overnight in the panic room turned studio apartment. She feels a certain steadiness there. She feels unwatched, unburdened. She feels like she can do her work on her own time, retreating to the room when she is tired, waking up to an early alarm. No sun shining through, not memories of a sun-kissed alien taking up massive portions of her mind. It's work, work she wants to do, work she feels like she was born to do.

Lena spends the entire week at L-Corp, never leaving the confines of the building. Showering in the gym locker room, the panic room holding enough outfits for the work week. She feels good, grounded. She feels like her biggest project is nearly ready for launch.

“Ms. Luthor,” Jess walks into the open door of Lena’s office, a new development for the new Lena the following Monday. “You’re 10 o’clock is here. A reporter from CatCo to talk about your new nanite project.”

Lena feels her heart clench, somersaulting in her chest, before nodding to Jess, “Please send her in.”

“Um, it's not Ms. Danvers,” Jess’ attempt at a smile comes off more as a grimace.

“No matter,” Lena waves, giving Jess a fake laugh with the flourish of her hand, “send them in.”

Lena watches as a thirteen year old in an ill fitting suit comes into the door. He drops his pen, nearly hitting his head on the side table picking it back up. She can tell he is sweating and he keeps playing with his ear.

“Yes, yes, okay,” The kid straightens up, dropping his hand from his ear, “I’m sorry Ms. Luthor. I’m with CatCo here to talk about,” the kid pauses, hand going to his ear again, “your nanite initiative.”

Lena watches him curiously, his face tilting away from her so she couldn’t tell if he was fiddling with some kind of earpiece or if he simply had a nervous tick. She brushes it off, unfurrowing her brow and standing, indicating the seat in front of her desk.

“Welcome, and you are?” Lena asks sitting down as the kid takes his seat.

“Pete, um Peter, Peter Ross,” He holds out his hand for half a second before dropping it down to wipe on her pant leg, holding it back out again. Lena’s eyes widen at the action, trying to keep her face expressionless.

“It’s nice to meet you, Peter. At the risk of sounding rude, is this your first interview with CatCo?” Lena smiles as easily as she could force herself to, not reaching out to shake his hand, but watching it slowly fall back to his side. 

“It is,” Peter clears his throat, his voice cracking as he reaches for his ear but scratching his forehead at the last second. “I’m an intern. Junior at National City University. I uh, I won a contest in the office so I get to interview you.” Peter smiles nervously, his hands shaking as he places the recorder on the top of the desk. “Do you consent to being recorded?”

Lena watches his finger shake over the record button. She had to give it up to Andrea. Everything had to be a competition at CatCo. Cutthroat, employee against employee, but Lena can’t imagine this tittering child winning anything when Kara and Nia also worked there.

“I do, yes, thank you for asking,” Lena leans back in her chair and watches Peter once again touch his ear.

“Yes, thank you Ms. Luthor, so, this nanite technology. Is it a brand new design or did you build off the technology of your-,” Peter stops, tilting his head to the right, silently stammering, eyes searching as if listening to something else in the room.

Lena’s face grows more and more concerned as she watches him sweat and fiddle with his ear, seeming to mutter to himself in a low hiss.

“Peter, listen, how about I just talk okay? You can take the recording back and then craft your article around that?” Lena can’t handle this. Andrea must have sent this kid as some sort of jab or Kara had actually won but bribed this child to come in her place. Clearly he was in no position to be interviewing her. 

Peter stares at her, wide eyed, mouth slightly agape, and he just nods his head. Lena talks for the better part of twenty minutes before bidding Peter farewell. When she walks around the corner of the heating duct towards the hidden area of the roof, she sees a new coffee cup in the trash can. When she comes back to her office, she asks Jess to remove the furniture and redistribute the plants to various places around the building.

The remainder of the week, Lena finds herself looking. After a week inside L-Corp walls, the outside world must have changed. The flashes of red and blonde, it had to have stopped. But after interacting with Peter, it all came crashing back ten fold. Peter was being coached, whether in real time or prior to their meeting, he was not supposed to be there and Lena knew it.

So Lena started looking again. Corner of her eye looking. Sudden swivels of her head looking. Reflection of her phone looking. Watching to catch her. Catch _Kara_ , because Lena knows she’s there. Knows she hasn’t actually left at all, not really. Because she has felt her the whole time. Visible or not.

From her looking, she sees tiny things. Things she’s either forced herself not to see or things she just didn’t catch before, not with her obvious looking. 

She sees the flutter of a red cape every time she steals a glance towards the sky. Sees the red toes of boots being pulled up on the top of buildings. Blonde hair around corners. Lena sees, or thinks she sees Kara everywhere. 

After a particularly long day of looking, yes, but a near major breakthrough in her nanite project, Lena decides to go home. Relax even, she turns off her phone, leaves her computer at the office. She wants to sleep a full night in her plush bed, truly and completely unplug and relax. She orders Italian and pours a deep glass of wine after a long bath. She pulls up her Netflix account. Kara’s profile was gone.

The little purple penguin was no longer an option on her home screen. _PPLover_ was no longer a name she was able to select. Lena feels the pang in her heart at the loss of it. She remembers the absurdity of Kara selecting a user name. 

_”No, gosh, that's so gross Lena. It’s for Pizza and Pot stickers!” Kara threw herself back on her couch, tossing a well worn pillow at Lena, hands gripping her stomach as she laughed. “But I do see where you’re coming from. I already programmed everything into my TV so it's locked and set in stone, can’t change it.”_

_“If that's your deep into adulthood username, what was your instant messenger user name when you were a teenager?” Lena asked through laughter. “Something equally ludicrous I assume.”_

_“I never had an instant messenger,” Kara responds, crinkle in her forehead forming, head tilting in confusion._

_“How did you not? It was a staple for our generation,” Lena tempers her laughter, taking a sip of her wine and putting the glass back on the coffee table._

_“Well, what was yours?” Kara asks, sitting up, crossing her legs on the couch._

_“I,” Lena stops, stops laughing, stops feeling floaty and warm, her brow matching the crinkle of Kara’s. “I didn’t have one either.”_

_Kara goes silent, not really knowing why Lena’s mood shifted so suddenly, not knowing why the lack of an instant messenger would be such a mood killer._

_“I didn’t really have any friends to talk to so I guess I never got one,” Lena’s voice was distant and lost. Kara watches her, searching her face for more. When she receives no other words or facial indications of hurt or discomfort, she tries to smooth it over._

_“Me either. If I did have one, I’d have you as my messenger though. We’d be a team of two, messaging instantly, like walkie-talkies, with ridiculous names,” Kara grins at Lena._

_“Why does it seem like you have no idea what I’m talking about right now,” Lena feels herself start to relax again, smile even, it's not even a question, just a comment. Like she can picture Kara’s childhood much like her own._

_“Small town? The wifi sucked? I didn’t have a computer? I got a phone and didn’t need anything but texting? Also like, the no friends thing was pretty big for me too, I feel like that should speak for itself, no?” Kara laughs, leaning into Lena on the couch. “But who cares. I have PPLover as my account name now, so let's assume that was my instant messenger name then too.”_

_“Oh darling, you would not have wanted that name at a teenager, I assure you,” Lena leans back into Kara, laughing again, light._

_“Think of yours though!” Kara cackles, leaning harder into Lena, grabbing Lena’s wine glass from the coffee table and handing it to her. “You liked the worst things as a teenager,” Kara’s face morphs into one of deep thought, forehead crinkle forming again until it makes way to the shit eating grin looking right at Lena. “Mozart, Shakespeare, kale, beige, System of a Down, eyeliner, chess, fencing, math, science, chess again, isolation. Obviously no offense,” Kara snorts, pushing away from Lena, standing from the couch, pacing in front of the coffee table, hand stroking her chin in mock thought._

_“I’ve got it!” Kara yells, pointing down at Lena. “Yours would be SilverPointyPiercedQueen because you were a champion fencer, the chess thing and you had nipple piercings.”_

_Kara launches herself from her spot in front of the TV, already knowing Lena was going to hit her with a pillow in retaliation. She ran into her kitchen, behind the center island, as Lena pushed herself off the couch, following right behind her._

_“I still have my nipple piercings you ass,” Lena calls out, moving left and right around the kitchen island attempting to get to Kara. “They are not terrible. Neither is chess or fencing!” Lena pushes herself up over the top of the counter and launches herself at Kara. Kara catches her midair, easily, holding her arms down against her sides._

_“How did you do that! You have super strength or something?” Kara twirls her around the kitchen, laughing in her ear._

_“Let me go you demon!” Lena shouts, laughing over Kara’s own laughter._

Lena feels like she can hear the echo of their laughter in her head, in her apartment, the pressure of Kara against her, holding her suspended in the air, pressing against her on the couch. It’s everywhere. She feels a deep embarrassment at having called Kara darling back then. A deep ache at Kara asking _her_ if she has super strength in that moment. The memory seems tainted now, ruined.

She almost pours out her wine, thinking she was already too drunk, getting lost in memories like she was. But she hadn’t eaten anything yet today and half a glass shouldn’t be doing this. She just needed to eat and then she could drink away the echo, the memories, the feelings.

After the first documentary, Lena hits the home button, her food barely eaten in front of her, the bottle of wine nearly empty. She scrolls through her options for what to watch next, she can feel the imprint of Kara next to her. She can feel her more still when she scrolls through her recommended titles. Even on Lena’s profile there were comedies, musicals, the Wizard of Oz right below, the first option under continue watching. Lena empties the bottle into her glass and selects play from beginning, the black and white intro filling the room.

She closes her eyes, taking a deep drink from her glass. She coughs just a little, inhaling a drop or two as she breathes into the glass as she drinks. When she opens them, shaking her head just a little to clear her throat, her eyes catch a dash of red from her balcony door. There and gone in less than a beat.

Lena goes to bed that night, brushing the deep red stain from her teeth, closing her eyes and seeing the vibrant red of boots, a cape.

\-------

After a weekend at home, not wallowing at the bottom of half a dozen different bottles of wine, the Wizard of Oz definitely didn’t play six different times. Her blackout curtains were drawn, closing out the entire world for no other reason than Lena’s sun sensitivity. Lena has her driver drop her off several blocks from her building, at a new cafe with rave reviews and a new line of organic juices. 

She waves off her driver with a thank you, knowing she could use the walk after her horizontal weekend on the couch. The cafe is cute, minimalist in the way Lena loves. All white and sleek. She smiles at the front window, the calligraphy in a rose gold, Lena will have to ask the name of the font, she could use a new business card and her name would look great in that font.

She pushes open the door, smelling espresso and butter, hearing the quiet of the music and low hum of voices. She places her order, getting their business card when she notes their vegan lunch menu and stands to the side to wait. She looks around the new space, the faintest smell of drywall hits her nose over the other delicious smells. She takes in the renovations. The art on the wall, mismatched furniture that fit so well together. 

That's when Lena sees her. No cape. Not boots. She sees glasses, a half ponytail, the blonde curls around her shoulders covered in a deep blue button up. Lena sees her full face, though her eyes were downcast on a notebook on the table. No glimpse, no blur of color. She sees her. Completely.

She still sees red. The red of rage. The red of audacity. The red of _how dare you be here_. She lets red take over the scene, blurring out the reality of the woman in front of her.

“Are you following me?” Lena stalks up to Kara, voice too loud for the low murmur of the coffee shop as she calls out before invading Kara’s space.

“Woah, what?” Kara blinks up at Lena rapidly, eyes focusing on the angry green eyes, the clenched jaw in front of her.

“Are you following me?” Lena responds in a low hiss, her teeth grinding together. Kara flinches at the sound of the grind assaulting her ears.

“No, no I’m not following you, I’ve been here for like an hour. Why would I be following you?” Kara pushes up her glasses, standing from her table, looking slightly up at Lena in her tall, sharp heels.

“You tell me!” Lena whisper yells, stepping a bit closer, poking Kara in the chest, before dropping her hand to worry against the leather strap of her bag.

Kara looks around the cafe, wandering eyes trying and failing not to look at the two of them, Lena Luthor yelling at an award winning reporter. Lena Luthor yelling at anyone in public like this was bound to freak a few people out. Kara notices a few cell phones out, angled not so subtly in their direction.

“Lena,” Kara moves to stand in front of Lena, her hand hovering over Lena’s bicep, not touching her, her back to the phones, blocking Lena from view. “Maybe we shouldn’t do this here.”

Kara widens her eyes, her head tilting just slightly, indicating the audience behind them. Lena furrows her brow, looking just past Kara’s head into the cafe before pursing her lips, opening them, not yet done with this conversation, before shutting them and storming out.

Kara watches her leave, watches her stalk past the large window without her order and out of view. She offers a small smile to the patrons of the cafe, “Bit of bad press, I assure you, I completely deserved it. Ms. Luthor was just letting me know that my first amendment rights were well in place and she respects the press completely. Carry on.”

Kara nods once, smiles again, grabbing her coffee and tossing the remainder of her croissant in the trash, her appetite gone. As she emerges from the cafe, looking up and down the busy streets, Lena is nowhere to be found.

When Lena arrives at her office, her coffee along with the juice she ordered were sitting on her desk. She calls Jess in, asking for maintenance to change the locks on the balcony door. She tells her to make the changes to the doors with lead and Nth matter. Glass, lead, and Nth matter wouldn’t keep Supergirl out, but it would send a message.

Lena tells Jess to throw out each message left for her from Kara over the next two weeks. She avoids looking anywhere but straight ahead again, this time forced. She avoids seeing blonde hair. She holes up in the basement research labs after hours. Lead lined and impenetrable. She sleeps in the panic room again, sending her laundry out for dry cleaning, no need to go home at all. She doesn’t give herself a chance to look. She doesn’t give herself a chance to be observed.

She finishes projects. She achieves. As she is meant to do. She doesn’t need friends. She doesn’t want them.

\-------

Three weeks of arduous work, keeping her employees late, sleeping in the bunker, working day and night. The team did it, they found themselves celebrating a few days ago when theoretical became fact. They stayed up all night a handful of days ago, each engineer electing to stay, working off adrenaline, the promise of success, and the coffee and food Lena would order in. 

Running their final tests at ten the next morning, Lena uncorked a six thousand bottle of champagne, the fifty-eighth positive tests enough to confirm their research. The engineers cheered, they cried, they hugged each other, Lena included. She felt like she was part of something again, a team, finally, after so many weeks of feeling alone.

After several more days in the bunker, finalizing press releases, making arrangements for the big announcement, Lena finally went home. She was alone for an hour, tops, before Jess arrived with a team of hair and make-up stylists, preparing for the global launch of her nanite technology. It wasn’t a cure all, not even close. It was meant for water, not humans. Not yet.

These nanites, J-Nan, a catchy social media name, was meant to clean oceans and lakes. It was meant to dissolve plastic into a viable reef regeneration substance in the ocean, and obliterate plastic in lakes to act as sand that would build back slowly depleting lake walls that caused landslides. 

Lena let the artists do her nails, her make-up, her hair, sitting in an old white button up that was definitely Kara’s. She didn’t think about the shirt she was wearing. She thought about her team of engineers. The people she had spent the last month with. Building, creating, crying, laughing with. She even went to a happy hour one night, granted it was at midnight at the only open bar on a Wednesday. She was slowly making her own life.

Not a Luthor. Not a Superfriend. She was just Lena. Doing the work she wanted to be doing. Running a company she was proud of. She felt the nail technician clip the skin of her thumb a little too close and she flinched, pulling her from her bliss. The technician apologized profusely and Lena found herself smiling at her, nodding away the pain, reassuring her.

She watched the beauty team work, watched Jess watching her. There was a glaring shadow in the room but Lena refused to acknowledge it. No one else saw it. No one else saw the outline Lena projected in her condo, the outline of Kara, grinning and flitting around in excitement. That outline would be with her tonight, locked in her mind, peaking out of a box, but not in real life so she pushes it away.

“Lena!” Jess yells, practically bouncing on her feet in the kitchen, already dressed and ready for the party. “Anderson Cooper’s people just called me. Ugh I have goosebumps. Anderson will be there tonight. He has requested a private interview!”

Lena smiles at Jess, feeling her excitement bounce off her skin. She knows what reporter she really wants with her. She tamps it down. 

“Anderson Cooper! Wow, I can’t believe that,” Lena goats her, taking a deep pull of her mimosa, “Jess, if you wouldn’t mind, I would love for you to be his escort if that's still a thing in this day. Greet him when he arrives, introduce him to our esteemed guests. Keep him company,” Lena finishes her drink, a technician moving in to refill it.

“Really?” Jess is vibrating at her kitchen island. “Ms. Luthor, I couldn’t possibly. You sure you don’t want a member of your board.”

“No,” Lena holds up her still drying hand from the drying lamp, “I want you. Make arrangements with his team. You’re my go to girl.” Lena smiles at Jess and tilts her head back in the chair.

Lena wants someone, someone that really knows her, to share this success with, more than any other time in her life. Jack was gone, even in this new reality. Sam apologized a hundred times for not being able to fly out. There wasn’t even a tiny chance Lillian would show up, Lena found that she would even take an insult from someone that knew her at this point. 

But was s lie. She wants to share this with Kara, Brainy and Alex even. She wants to share this like she shared everything else _before_. But that’s gone now. Gone but she still wants it. Another thing she pushes down into the smallest box, into the darkest corner of her mind.

Lena, Jess, and one member of the beauty team pull up to the venue later that evening. The camera flashes already penetrating the deep tint of the windows.

“Are you ready Ms. Luthor?” Jess asks, all of her teeth showing in her huge grin, her hands clasped in her lap, gripping together in nerves.

Lena sits back in the limo, contemplating her reply. Contemplating everything. Alex would be a good buffer tonight. Some sarcastic comment to lighten the mood. Nia would gush over the color of her dress. Comment on how her makeup was flawless, her lipstick the perfect, subtle shade. Brainy... 

Brainy would say something about little boxes for her anxieties but pull her aside later after a few minutes in the room with the elite of the world saying something like, ‘Comrade, your boxes are showing. Give some to me so I can lessen the load.’

Lena plays out these fake conversations in her head. She’s played dozens of conversations in her head locked away in the bunker. She tries to make the record scratch on them, trying to replace them with something else, smiles from the engineers, Jess’ excitement. Tries to make it so the last track, the last person on the list of people doesn’t invade her mind

Kara.

She pushes the burning of her eyes away, pushes fake conversations out of her mind, the compliments, the praise she knows Kara would be doling out, a hand on her arm steadying her. All into a box at the back of her mind. Smiling deeply, completely, Lena looks at Jess.

“I’m ready.”

Lena steps from the limo, taking the hand of someone that looks vaguely familiar, dressed in all black, as she smiles to the flashing cameras, the onslaught of unnamed reporters shouting questions at her.

She waves, keeping her eyes open against the flashes, smile even and photogenic. She takes a few steps after letting go of the hand of the black clad officer. She can’t see anything after one too many flashes of the camera. She pushes forward, feeling her forehead dampen in a little sweat of panic. The path forward must be straight, even. Someone would tell her if it wasn’t

Lena stumbles a fraction, undetectable, when an arm loops into hers. Navy fabric is all she can see of the arm as she is guided past the flashes of the camera, still smiling, unseeing, her hand gripping the muscular forearm wrapped around hers. They hold their body away from Lena, she can tell they are doing it to be cropped out of photos later, a fact she is thankful for.

“Stairs in seven steps,” the voice of the person holding her whispers gruffly, like that of a voice changer. Lena continues smiling, though her brow had furrowed at the unnatural voice. One hand settles on the small of her back as she reaches the steps.

“Steps are all eight inches high. I know you can’t see, but… math it okay?” The voice whispers, gruff gone.

_Kara._

Lena stiffens against her but keeps taking calculated steps up the stairs, turns a few steps up, pushing Kara away after she is settled on a platform and waves back at the cameras, her smile as genuine as she could muster.

She slips her arm back into Kara’s and continues up the steps, wordlessly. They reach the top, Lena immediately dropping Kara’s arm, blinking the flashes from her eyes, attempting to get a clear view.

When the spots clear, when she can see again, Kara is gone.

Lena turns left and right, searching, catching the grin on Jess’ face first. 

“Lena, oh my,” Jess breathes out grinning from ear to ear. “I am so proud of you. I am so so beyond proud of you,” Jess squeals a little, pulling Lena’s hand to her chest. Lena feels the excitement. As she looks around the hall, she sees her researchers, her team of engineers, all looking up at her with genuine admiration. 

Lena feels her eyes burn in tears before she smiles back at Jess then each of her researches. The people that would take the stage before her. Be announced before her. Speak before her. They were the real deal. She had hired them, sure, but they did the work with her. Tirelessly. She wants them to be recognized.

Each of them, all eleven, are dressed to the nines, hair, makeup all paid for by Lena so they could feel as good as their work. Their suits and dresses, whatever they wanted, looked immaculate. She beckons them all to her, still at the top of the stairs, calling for Jess to get the photographers ready for the shot of the night.

Lena turns back towards the cameras, urging the researchers in front of her at the top of the stairs as the camera’s flash, over and over. She sees the navy clad arms of a report to the side writing in a notebook. She knows CatCo is here. She has seen a photographer she recognized. Kara was here reporting. No more, no less. She had helped Lena to save the embarrassing photos of her tripping. No more, no less.

Lena smiles amongst her team, they joke and laugh, the candid shots will be worth thousands. They disappear back into the hall after a few minutes when Lena claps her hands to the reports outside saying _we need to celebrate!_ , they make their way back in.

Lena watches the team disperse back to partners and friends, she watches Jess make her way towards Anderson’s people. She stands alone at the top of the stairs.

“You look utterly immaculate,” a voice whispers next to her. She feels the touch of heat at her back, where she presumes a hand is hovering but not touching. The gush of wind from the words hitting the shell of her ear.

Lena has a thousand words on her tongue. Bitter, cutting, revealing. She has planned so many scenarios in her head in the panic room of L-Corp. She had planned everything. This whisper of admiration, this quiet calm interaction was not a scenario she planned.

So she turns to the voice, standing eye to eye with Kara, heels not tall enough to be able to look down on Kara. She takes in the form-fitting navy suit, the navy vest, the crisp white shirt, the loose burgundy tie. 

“Out of your Supergirl suit but still in those colors. Interesting,” Lena cocks her head to the side, frowning a little, warring with her heartbeat, begging it to grow softer, quieter in her chest. It doesn’t, so she forces herself to settle into the situation. Into the sight of Kara in front of her.

“I think it suits me,” Kara flashes a smile before her face falls, unreadable as her eyes look from Lena’s heels, along her body, all the way back up to her eyes, “much like this dress suits you.”

Lena looks between Kara’s eyes, looking directly back at her, level, so much more unreadable than she could even picture when she pictured looking at Kara again. There was no heat, no fire, no fight, no sadness, no recognition. There was nothing. It hurt more than anything Lena could have prepared herself for. Kara was just… nothing.

Lena blinks a few times, pulling herself back to reality, out of this torture, of the agony of seeing nothing behind Kara’s eyes.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Lena pushes past Kara, not touching her, as she descends into the hall, greeting people left and right, attempting to change her fake smile into a real one. She looks back, out of the corner of her eye, navy and blonde still standing at the top of the stairs, looking back at her.

\-------

“Supergirl?”

Alex’s voice rings in Kara’s ear as Lena walks away from here.

“Why are you not at your post? We made this plan specifically for you. There was no chatter, nothing on the radar for attack. If we’re doing this, thirty DEO agents in disguise, why are you not at your post?”

Alex’s tone is light, completely knowing. Kara ignores it in favor of watching Lena make the rounds in the hall. Kara had watched Lena do this horse and pony show dozens of times. By her side, in the air, off to the side. 

Kara could read her lips at this point, she almost didn't need to use her super hearing. She heard the conversations without hearing. Heard the pull of Lena’s chest when she felt a compliment land. Felt the tension in her body when someone touched her arm when she wasn’t expecting it. Felt the tug of Lena’s lips when she smiled.

“I’m going,” Kara let her eyes linger a little longer on Lena, moving around the room gracefully.

“Supergirl. Kamikaze,” Alex whispered into the comms in her ear, switching to the sister channel at the call word.

“What?” Kara asks, her eyes still trailing Lena.

“Kara, come on. What’s going on? You’re barely here anymore. You do the work and then you’re just gone. Is it Lena? Just tell me okay. I can’t handle another four months of this.”

Alex breaks at the worst possible time. She could have done this yesterday when the two of them were planning this. A month ago when Kara stopped expressing emotion all together. Two months ago when Kara was crying on her couch. Three when Kara broke down completely, torn apart by the guilt she felt over leaving Lena alone. Hell, even the week after the defeat of Leviathan, when Kara had fled to the Fortress, isolating for over a week, hiding from the world. But Alex didn’t, she kept it until now, the worst possible moment.

“I’m fine,” Kara grits out through her clenched teeth. Watching the hand of a woman run up and down Lena’s arm as she smiled at her sweetly, leaning in, whispering in her ear, stepping closer still. She turned away when the woman stepped closer and Lena leaned into the touch.

“Kara, just, just stop okay,” Alex releases a sigh into the comms, “fix it. You could have fixed things with Lena hundreds of times and you chose not to. I was in the room when she said that poetic shit about the suffocating walls or whatever. You saying she supported you. She apologized. You accepted it. What the fuck happened?”

Kara thought back to that moment months ago. How Lena had been whisked away right after the handshake to revive Brainy. How she had dove into taking down Lex with the knowledge Brainy had acquired. How there was never room or time for anything but work no matter how much she wanted otherwise. Now it was just too late.

“I... I just gave up, Alex. After Lex, it felt too hard to go back to just friends and there was no forward after. I gave up,” Kara feels herself breathe out the confession. “And so did Lena.”

“What do you mean just friends?” Alex asks, the sound of a punch and a muffled groan fill the comms.

“What's happening? Alex?! Are there attackers?” Kara moves to the coat closest to change into her Supergirl outfit,

“No! No, no attacker, I’m on the floor, it was an unavoidable incident with a pork bun,” Alex whispers through the comms.

“Alex, we don’t eat pork! Why is that an incident?” Kara’s returns to her spot, eyes searching the floor for her sister.

“Not for eating, there was poison in it. I will be honest with you Kara. Over the general comms to the team I said there was no chatter but dude, this is the most destructive event I’ve ever been to. Our noses have already picked up thirteen other poisons, messaging me directly. The sight has picked up over forty-three unconfiscated, concealed weapons. This is madness. I’m redirecting each personal call to agents on site but people will start catching on when all of them are tapped. You have to do something.”

“I can’t do anything. She hates me. She may have forgiven me once but she wants nothing to do with me now. You have to keep everyone engaged in secret. Make her think everything is going off without a hitch. Just like every other time before this.” Kara knows her voice takes on a pleading tone. Knows she is asking too much from the DEO.

“Kara, come one, we’ve been busting our asses at every tiny function for four months. What makes you think we’ll stop now. Plus, there is a DEO bet on who will uncover the most contraband. I have fifty bucks on this. No way are we giving up this early. We’ll have our fifth midnight Luthor event, I promise you.”

“Thanks Alex, just Kamikaze me when the suit is necessary,” Kara refocuses on Lena, kneeling, being pulled into the embrace of a child of all things. She feels her heart pinch up at the sight. She forces her eyes away when they begin to focus on the white skin of her exposed thigh for too long.

“Kara, this is the last non-emergency thing I’ll say on Kamikaze. Don’t give up on Lena. Do something. Ask her to dance, bring her food. Be her friend for fucks sake. Be by her side if she needs you, not as a last resort. Just try.”

“I can’t. You haven't seen her face when she looks at me. I’ll be Supergirl if you need me to be, but I can’t be Kara for her anymore.” Kara almost ends the chat switching back to the main channel before thinking better of it. “Why did you all stop talking to her too?”

“Kar, come on, you were the connector,” Alex grunts into the comms, Kara watches the knocked out body of a man being silently dropped into the hands of another DEO agent as Alex rights herself in her black suit. “You stopped talking to her, meaning we all did.”

“I don’t control you all. I don’t have like a lock on your phones to reach out to her. You should have done that on your own,” Kara ducks into the bathroom in frustration, not wanting to be heard from her hiding spot.

“Lena was always yours Kara. When she wasn’t anymore, no one else knew what to do. Brainy tried for a while but I think Lena thought the same thing. She never replied because you never reached out.”

“That’s not fair, Alex” Kara ran the tap, throwing cold water into her face. “I don’t control everyone. Besides, Lena will never belong to anyone. Especially not me.”

“You sure you don’t want her to be yours? Care to tell me what that _just friends_ comment was about,” Alex asks, Kara hearing the timidness in the ask, knowing the question holds more than the actual words.

“She’ll never be mine. Tapping out of Kamikaze until you need me,” Kara shifts her comms back to the main channel, letting the chatter drown out the thoughts in her head. She leaves the bathroom, set on locating Lena from the balcony.

When Kara locates her, it's next to the bar, alone. Kara hears Lena ask for a double whiskey, looking to the stage for lighting cues. It's nearly eight, the speakers are set to talk in just a few minutes.

\-------

Kara makes her way back stage, flying out a balcony window, dropping down at the back of the stage door before breaking the chains on the door and reentering. She molds the chains back together before hiding, crouching in a corner, eyes trained on the speaker entry not ten feet in front of her.

The group of engineers push into the small area behind the curtain moments later, chatting, laughing, holding glasses of champagne or wine. Kara can see and feel their bodies shaking in nerves. She can tell they’ve never been on display like this before. She hears Lena before she sees her. Her heartbeat steady and true as she comes to the front of the group.

“Alright,” Lena calls to the group grinning, taking in their nerves and tense bodies. “This is it, your big reveal. We’ve practiced this. You each have lines. But Robin, you open it. You’re going to do great,” Lena places her hands on the shoulders of the engineer. “You’ve written your words beautifully, you all have. You know them. Just, don’t picture the audience in their underwear. Gross really, does nothing for the mind. You have achieved greatness. So go get ‘em.” Lena smiles at the group as they move on stage.

“You can come out now,” Lena calls into the space a beat after her engineers have filed onto the stage. She didn’t actually know who she was speaking to. Supergirl, infiltrators, it didn’t really matter. It was the perfect time for chaos and she could feel someone in the shadows.

“That was a good pep talk,” Kara whispers, finally emerging from her hiding space, turning off her comms completely from the outside world.

“Why are you here?” Lena turns away from Kara, turning towards the shadowed red of the curtain in front of her, closing her eyes, not waiting to see that either.

“To offer support, if, um, if you need it,” Kara breathes the words into Lena’s ear, close, too close, directly behind her. 

Lena feels herself shiver at the breath before she feels the red behind her eyes again. Before she turns, pushing Kara deep into the darkness of the back stage. Deep enough so no one can hear them.

“Please leave,” Lena turns away from Kara, back towards the light glow of the speaker's entry to the stage before pulling and about face and stomping back towards Kara. “You don’t need to be around to support me. You don’t actually _want_ to be around. So just go, okay,” Lena wraps her arms around herself, goosebumps erupting on her arms, not looking at Kara, looking down at her shoes, the edges of her dress.

“What do you mean I don’t want to be around?” Kara asks in a whisper, taking a hesitant step closer to Lena, searching her downcast eyes..

“It’s work. I get it. You are here on business. CatCo or DEO. You aren't here for me. You never were so just… Just stop being everywhere. Don’t come to my roof. Don't leave your coffee cups or your stupid iced coffee rings on every surface. Stop being around like you used to. Just stop,” Lena whispers, taking small steps closer to Kara, further into the shadows as the sound of applause at each engineer’s speech fills the silence. She can’t make her voice go above a whisper but she knows Kara can hear her.

Kara hears her words, hears Lena’s thunderous heart beat in her ears over the applause. Still hear the intakes of breath, the grinding of teeth. Feels the anger directed at her.

“Okay,” is all Kara can think to say. She knows she has been caught. She knows completely that her subtle tactics of keeping a quiet eye on Lena have not been quiet at all. She gets it and she knows she’ll stop after this. “I’m sorry.”

“That's it?” Lena’s jaw clenches again, her eyes flare, finger poking at Kara’s chest. “You’re sorry? You don't even know what you're sorry for. I can see it on your face. I know you, the fake version of you at least. I have four years of a fake friendship to go on. And this _sorry_ is maybe the fakest thing you’ve ever said.”

Kara sees red then. Manipulation. Kryptonite. Lies. One mistake.

“You think you know me?” Kara laughs, pushing up on her toes, hovering so she is looking down on Lena, gaining the physical upper hand. “You, Lena Luthor, haven’t the slightest clue of who I am.”

“I know! I just said that!” Lena yells into the muted, near sound proof backstage she is standing in with Kara. ”Tell me who you really are then. Why are you hiding back here? Why have you been sneaking around keeping an eye on me? Afraid I’ll snap and become a real Luthor? Ready to call me a villain again? Tell me something real!” Lena yells not one inch from Kara’s unmoving face. Lena watches Kara’s eyes, her expression. Nothing.

“I know you made one, single mistake. I fucked up, okay. I know! So just yell at me, hit me if you want. I can’t have you at the edge of my vision for any longer,” Lena stops, her chest heaving, standing far closer to Kara than necessary. Her voice breaking, cracking, as her fingers grip Kara’s shoulders hard enough to bruise a human but doing nothing to the alien in front of her. She doubles her grip.

“Say something,” Lena begs, her voice cracking as tears push from her eyes, one hand poking into Kara’s chest. “Say anything.”

“The people you love,” Kara pushes her chest into the finger placed there, taking a step closer, “Who does that include? Because you said you woke up utterly alone after pushing people away to protect yourself, are you awake now? Have you been awake long enough to know I won’t leave? To know that yes, I hurt you but I’m still here. Have you been awake long enough to know I will never leave you?”

Kara pushes Lena’s hand away from her chest, pulling the hand down from her shoulder, gripping it. “I’ve seen the DEO footage when you stood up to Andrea. End whatever is happening in your head about me. Our friends. Just stop. We’re right here, we never left. We’re here. I’m here. You don’t have to be alone.”

Lena pulls her hand away from Kara’s chest, eyes wide, body shaking, knowing she is due on stage any second when the last engineer says their lines.

“Stop what’s happening in my head?” Lena scoffs, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, shaking her head in disbelief. “You disappeared, Kara, you all did. You are not here and thats not just in my head, that’s real. You’re not even here right now. If you were actually here, actually wanted to be here, you wouldn’t be hiding in the shadows or around corners. You would have helped me pick a dress, you’d have helped me write my speech, you wouldn’t have had to use the flashing cameras as a guise to walk me up those steps, you just would have.” 

Lena steadies herself with a deep breath, locking eyes with Kara, her tongue burning at the sound of Kara’s name coming out of her mouth. “So you don't get to tell me to wake up you… you,” Lena turns away, digging her nails into the flesh of her palm. “I have been awake since I met you. I have given you all of me. From the start. And you never even let me know you.”

Kara’s hand reaches out but stops mid air, hanging between them. Her mouth opens as if she was going to say something, anything, before dropping her hand and tilting her chin up to look at Lena. At the very least Lena could finally see something behind Kara’s eyes. Pain.

“I messed up, I know that. I have told you I messed up. I have apologized and I tried to make it better. I thought,” Lena stops, waiting to say something about the hope that filled her chest and the smile on Kara’s face when they shook hands those months ago. Wanted to say something about the spark she felt when they had touched again for the first time in so long. She wanted to say something about the way Kara’s smile fell just as fast as their hands that day in the lab. “I lost everything the moment I was no longer valuable to you. No longer a tool. And I get it. I really do. I know my worth in certain spaces. But I didn’t know my worth had an end with you until I reached it,” Lena hears the sound of clapping, possibly the end of the engineer's presentation, even if it wasn’t, it was the end of this conversation. “Goodbye Kara.”

\--------

“So,” Alex breaks the tension of sister night the following day. “You uh... Kamikaze was on. All of last night. You, um, switched to it backstage at some point.”

Alex doesn't even try to smile, just shoves a piece of pizza into her mouth as Kara’s eyes widen at the admission, her triple stacked slices dropping back down to her plate mid bite.

“You heard everything then?” Kara wipes her hands on the napkin on her knee, pushing her plate away from her.

“I did, yeah. I tried not to, I really did, but it was a weirdly quiet time on the other comms, like the villains actually cared about the engineers and what they had to say. I didn’t so I heard everything.”

“Yeah,” Kara trails off, running her hand through her hair, removing her glasses, looking at Alex unhindered. “She asked me to hit her. She told me I don’t value her. I just-” Kara stops, the lump in her throat too big to talk around.

“Kara,” Alex reaches out and squeezes her knee. “She was right.”

Kara pulled her leg out from Alex’s touch, the warmth of her hand scorching her leg.

“What do you mean?”

“Lena was right Kara,” Alex reaches out again, setting her hand in the same place, pulling Kara back to her. “I know I should have said this months ago. But she was right.”

“What do you mean, Alex. I value her. I would never hit her.”

“I’m sorry but you didn’t listen to her, Kara. You might have thought you were, but you only took away the parts that you wanted to. I told you none of us reached out. It wasn’t just you that she lost. It was me. It was Brainy and Nia. I miss her, I’m big enough to admit that,” Alex pauses, smiling to herself. Thinking about the night before. How she had seen how proud and truly happy Lena looked. Alex’s smile fell when she remembered how she had hid from Lena like someone that didn’t know her but cowered in her presence.

“I almost walked up to her last night just to tell her I was proud. And between you and me, I wanted to make fun of that poof of hair, but I couldn’t and that killed me. That I couldn't tell her how happy I was for her. I know it killed you too. I heard your voice.”

“It didn’t kill me Alex, I’m right here.”

“It’s an expression Kara, you know that. Why are you evading this? It's me. I know she matters to you. Why are you being like this? Why have you not been _Kara_ , my Kara, for four month now. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I ruined Lena,” Kara admitted into the quiet of her apartment, a small sob biting at the back of her throat. “I didn’t do it on purpose, but I did it regardless. I took her away from everyone. I left her with the Luthors. I left her in her own mind, thinking she was nothing. I made her what she is now.”

“Lena isn’t ruined. You might have done the other stuff for sure,” Alex didn’t try to sugar coat it, she has been sugar coating and lying for too long. “You, whatever version of you that you choose to present to her, you were her rock. When that rock became cotton, when you weren’t there, when you revealed your true self, she fell.”

Alex holds up her hand, cutting off Kara’s attempt to speak, “And I know you didn’t want that. But you let her fall. You lied. I encouraged you to, I know that. I know each of us holds responsibility for it. But she apologized. She was more open with you than I have ever seen her be so I get where she is coming from. You don’t get to be a shadow that stands to the side of her. You need to become a new version of yourself, your true self, or you don’t get to stand near her at all anymore.”

Kara thinks on this as Alex speaks more than she has in months. Sister nights have been weird, awkward silent affairs, Alex leaving Kara to make the first move and speak her mind. Kara crying often and out of nowhere. But tonight, Kara realizes she has missed the bluntness, the unwavering support and thoughtfulness of her sister. How she was always able to guide Kara to her own conclusion This speech about Lena, was a direction and Kara felt pulled into it.

“I want to stand next to her. However she’ll have me. Ideally not as a foe, but a friend would be nice,” Kara smiles to herself before offering the same smile to Alex.

“You have to stop being her weird shadow protector then. Talk to Lena. Stop doing what you’re doing because she sees you. She sees when you think she doesn’t. I heard her. She sees you every day, when you say you’re not patrolling. She sees you. So let her. Do it on purpose,” Alex pulls a crying Kara closer. Urging her with her words to change the scenario. “Be there and make it known. You don’t have to tell me any of the big parts right now, but do the small things for Lena.”

\----------

The success of the nanite announcement skyrockets the LCorp stock, celebrations abound on every floor all of the next week. Lena catches word of the various teams hosting small parties before she has Jess plan an LCorp wide party at the shoreline the next Friday. Bringing in food vendors, local bars to set up booths,and entertainment opening it up to all of LCorp and any guests, no limit.

Security is tight though, all employees had to submit names prior to arrival. No background check was required, but names needed to be on the list to attend. 

“Are you on this?” Alex calls Kara the two day before the party.

“Yeah, I think Andrea likes to torture me somehow. Can you spare fifty agents?” Kara asks, slipping M'gann a hundred dollar bill for a bottle of Aldebaran rum, not letting the sound of the exchange hit her speaker phone as she winks at M’gann, leaving the bar.

“Fifty?! Kara, come on! The entirety of the DEO is fitty agents” Alex yells into the phone, sighing deeply.

“All of LCorp. That’s half the town already. Plus all of their plus ones. Their families. We need more. Fifty is low balling Alex,” Kara counters, unscrewing the cap of the rum as she flies home.

“No, you’re right. I’ll mobilize the team. We’ll see you Friday at the waterfront. Love you,” Alex calls out over the speaker phone as Kara touches down at her apartment.

“Love you too,” Kara responds, hanging up, taking a drink from the bottle of rum. She hasn’t slept in three days. Hasn’t slept since the nanite release party. Lena always said when she needs to sleep she drinks, so Kara does. She takes a second pull from the bottle of rum when she exits the shower. A third when she slips into her pajamas. A fourth when she opens one of her windows into the city needing the fresh air to clear her head. A fifth when she pushes off the floor out into the night.

“Kara!” Lena sits up from her position on her couch, grabbing her wine glass off the table close to her chest, maybe as a weapon, maybe as a crutch.

“Lena,” Kara whispers out into the silent condo as she walks through the open balcony door, placing the bottle of rum on a side table..

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks loudly, thinking she should reach for her DEO panic button, but stops when Kara floats into the living room, settling herself onto the couch like she used to in her own apartment.

Kara pulls Lena down against her, her breath smelling like Lena’s, laden with alcohol. Pretense gone, the animosity, the lost time. Only the needy longing for another human to be close. Lena lets Kara pull her in just for a moment, settling into her chest. Feeling the steady, familiar heart beat against her arm, the warmth of Kara, the lost feeling of being held by someone that loves her before she stiffens again, sitting back up. They don’t do this anymore.

“I miss you. Just wanted to watch TV with you,” Kara whispers, following Lena’s body, sitting up with Lena. Kara’s eyes are lidded, cheeks flushed, her body relaxed against Lena’s completely stock still one. Lena was barely breathing, Her knuckles white gripping her wine glass. She reaches for her phone as Kara reaches for the remote.

“Great British Bake Off for sleep, like always?” Kara nuzzles into Lena’s neck further, her eyes still unopened, her mouth parted against Lena’s shirt. Lena pulls up Alex’s contact and texts her as Kara pulls up the episode they left off on months ago.

Lena never let her body relax into Kara after the brief moment of failure. Never let herself feel at ease even though this was all she had wanted for months. Kara pushed against her, close. She stays rigid, watching Alex’s shared location on her phone as she gets closer and closer to her.

A solid six minutes after Kara pulled Lena in on her own couch, Kara’s lips shift to touch against the heated skin of Lena’s neck, moving as she mumbles unintelligibly. Lena had just thrown herself up off the couch at the contact when Alex finally knocks on the door. Lena places Kara’s head on a pillow, moving to the door to let Alex in. She offers the fakest of smiles when Alex walks into her condo for the first time, taking note of Kara on her couch.

“What happened?” Alex asks in a whisper.

“I didn’t lure her here if that's what you’re thinking. She just showed up ten minutes ago. She’s drunk,” Lena crossed her arms over her pajama clad chest, suddenly self conscious of her lack of a bra, taking note of a tiny splotch of Kara’s drool showing up on the shoulder of her shirt.

“I wasn’t thinking that,” Alex looks from Kara passed out on the couch to Lena in front of her.

“Listen,” Alex starts, holding out her hands, a prepared speech clearly on her lips.

“No. Absolutely not,” Lena cuts off Alex, backing away from her. “You don’t get to do this whole _listen_ thing with me. You don’t get to attempt absolution in one late night conversation. Take your sister and go.” Lena wraps her arms tighter around herself and steps aside for Alex to make her way into her condo to get Kara.

Alex scoops Kara up from the couch, her knees shaking with the weight of her.

“I’m sorry Lena. I let you suffocate behind a wall I helped build. I’m sorry, She is too. More than you know,” Alex looks at Kara and shakes her head, wanting to say more but walks out the door with Kara in her arms. 

Lena empties the bottle of wine into her glass, nearing the rim, turning off the cooking show in favor of a horror documentary Kara would never watch. She needs to change her recommendations on Netflix and this was the only way. Shut out what she loves. Baking shows, Kara, sister of Kara. Shut it all up into boxes. Wine and horror. Lena smiles thinking about those two things. Wine and horror.

\------

Lena spends the rest of the week away from her apartment. She couldn’t handle another late night drunk Kara visit, she couldn’t handle being held, warm lips on her neck, so she doesn’t open herself up to the opportunity. She packs a bag of clothes, a few books, and stays in the bunker.

The day of the LCC, LCorp Carnival, the social media strategist said it would sell more with a catchy acronym, dawns beautifully. Lena thinks it's one of her best mornings as she wakes up in the basement panic room. No sun, no people, no sisters, nothing. No drool stain, no baking show, no emotions. Just a Luthor in a basement of exceptional work. Lena opens her eyes to bliss on Saturday morning. She stretches in bed, spine straightening, toes curling.

She has switched the terrible mattress in the panic room for an expensive pillow top double bed. Expanded her lounge wear wardrobe for when she was alone. Got a TV for down time in the lab. The panic room was turning into her favorite space she owned. 

Lena makes breakfast, coffee in the new espresso machine. She showers. She takes her time getting ready for the carnival. She already knows the Superfiends from the DEO will be there, not visible to her or the attendees, but they’ll be there. She knows because she’s seen the tapes.

She requested the security footage of every event she thought was a success. Kara was there. Alex, Brainy, Nia, they were all there. Tonight should be no different. That brings her some form of comfort. No one will get hurt. Physically. Lena feels hurt at every flash of red, of black, the glint of a gun in. They had done it all in secret, never once coming close to talking to her with the exception of Kara the one time back stage.

She puts on a pair of black jeans, a white button up, tucking it in. If the shirt is Kara’s, she doesn’t give it a second thought.

It is Kara’s though. And she gives it all of her mind, not just one thought. She keeps the top four buttons open, the blue camisole under it showing through the open buttons. In the mirror as she looks herself over, she knows she looks like a Luthor moonlighting as a Super. A Super half-ready to enter into battle. Lena remembers Kara tells her how many shirts she had ruined revealing her suit before the glasses. In the hours after Lena presented Kara with her Pulitzer. How easy it had been to lie, pretend. For a fraction of a time before Lena decided to ruin it all.

Lena smiles at her outfit. If someone were to make the connection, if a reporter were to ask her about the shirt underneath her open white shirt, would she say it had a Supergirl emblem on it? No, It was turned inside out so even if they asked her to take off her shirt, which they wouldn’t, it would just be a blue shirt. Supergirl, Kara, is closer to Lena’s heart than anyone would ever know. 

There is not one good reason she put the shirt on, not one good reason she couldn’t find another shirt to put on underneath. If there was, she didn’t let it crawl itself out of the box hidden in her mind. It was a shirt that just happened to be blue and inside out.

Lena takes a car with Jess and her husband, both still gushing over their interactions with Anderson Cooper, Lena interjecting here and there with pieces of the interview. She knows it was a bad one, she had watched the footage. Her eyes bloodshot, playing it up to celebrating, Anderson jabbing at her for _that_ type of celebration. Lena counters it by saying she cried with her engineers so many times that evening that a little red-eye was to be expected.

“Your interview was perfect Ms. Luthor,” Mitch, Jess’ husband said. “I loved the part, and please don’t take this the wrong way, when you were so vulnerable. I’ve never seen you break, ever, and I think seeing you cry was,” Mitch takes a second to look at Jess to see if he was overstepping. She just smiled and nodded at him to keep going. “I’ve known you peripherally for nearly four years through Jess. I don’t know if I’ve really known _you_ until that moment. It was profound.” Mitch smiles at her, so genuinely, so loving, gripping his wife's hands, that Lena didn’t know how to react.

“Thank you, and it’s Lena, please. Mitch, you are a pleasure. If you are able to make my go to girl as happy as she seems in this moment, we’ve got to keep you around,” Lena winks at him, then smiles truly at Jess, willing the sting in her eyes to leave.

She had cried with Anderson for so many reasons, success yes, pride, sure. But the main reason was something a major news outlet would never know, something that the person that caused the tears would never know.

“Lena then, I am beyond happy I know you,” Mitch grins and holds up his glass of champagne in the back of the car to the others, cheersing their glasses.

Lena loses Jess and Mitch nearly as soon as she enters the grounds of the carnival, finding the head of security, ducking into a hidden tent. He walks her through the ground and air coverage. He makes a few calls when Lena asks about coverage from the waterfront. They shake hands, Lena placing an ear piece into her ear after she requested one the rest of the security staff had, and walks out into the carnival. She stops not ten feet from the flap of the hidden tent, taking in the frantic look of two people.

“Hello,” Lena calls softly to the people in front of her. “Is there something I can help with?”

\------

“Hi friend, are you okay?” Kara crouches down next to a small child clearly crying, a plushy gripped in their hands.

The child looks at Kara with wide eyes as tears spill over, their tiny hands clutching their plushy harder. Kara sits down on the ground in front of the small child, smiling brightly.

“Can I tell you a secret,” Kara looks around for a concerned parent but appears conspiratorial with the child. “I know Supergirl. If you wait right here, I’m going to go call her and she can help you find your family, is that okay? Can you count to six?” Kara pauses as the child nods. “Do you promise to stay right here while you count to six?” Kara asks while focusing her hearing to elevated heart rates beyond teenagers on the Ferris wheel, to that of a parent missing a child.

The little human in front of Kara nods and Kara nods back, ducking into the shadows for a second before reemerging as Supergirl. 

“Hi friend,” Kara grins down at the child in her super suit, hair down, glasses gone. “Do you think I can pick you up and find your family?” Kara asks as the child's face splits into the happiest grin she had ever seen, their arms reaching up.

Kara reaches down to pick up the child, she can barely feel their weight in her hands as she walks towards the customer service booth. 

“Hello, how my I-” the woman at the booth nearly chokes on the words as she sees Supergirl carrying a small child in front of her.

“I’ll be honest. Am I still alive? Because this is my biggest fantasy.” the woman behind the both admits putting the back of her palm to her forehead. ”Supergirl with my child. Am I still alive? Real question.”

“Um,” Kara stammers, looking at the child in her arms then back at the woman in the booth. “Yes? This is real. Is this your child?” Kara asks the woman still swooning.

“What? No, no sorry. I don’t have children, how can I help?” The woman in the booth grins out at Kara, her cheeks pink, eyes wide.

“Sweet friend, what is your name?” Kara pulls her head back, addressing the child in her arms.

“Blake Mercer,” The child responds, the tears from early reemerging in full force as they hide their face in Kara’s shoulder.

The woman at the desk calls the Mercer family over the intercom, calling them to the Service Booth in section B. She turns to Supergirl after, her eyes glimmering. Kara’s bright smile turns a little weary, a touch confused at her interaction with the attendant. 

_Why would a random woman want to have a child with me?_ Kara thought to herself, rubbing the child’s back with her hand as they continue crying.

She turns back to Blake, telling them a story about the stars, bouncing them on her hip, whispering reassurances about their parents showing up any minute.

“Blake!” A yell burst through the sound of the carnival, Kara turning towards the name. The child turns with her, squirming in her grasp. Kara places the child on the ground, watching them run to their parents just steps away. Kara places her hands on her hips in her Supergirl pose and looks on at the reunion. 

“Thank you Supergirl,” both of the parents break down crying, holding Blake close to their chests. Lena Luthor standing over their kneeling bodies, looking at Kara.

“Any time. Blake is a dream. I’m happy you have them back with you,” Kara smiles at the family, then turns to winks at the woman in the booth, not looking at Lena, before she walks off to the shadows to change back into Kara.

“So,” Lena calls after Kara shuffles in the shadows. “Kids huh? Is that your new thing?”

“It's not a new thing,” Kara turns back, still in her suit, not having enough time to shift back into her civilian clothes. She could already tell Lena wanted a fight when she locked eyes with her as she set Blake on the path to their parents, Lena standing over them.

“High and mighty Supergirl, protector of all. That kid was lucky you decided to come out of the shadows for this event,” Lena’s voice is deep and low, barely above a whisper.

“Lena Luthor,” Kara didn’t mean to say her name like that, like a sneer, regretting it immediately, as she saw the bravado drain from Lena’s posture. Kara wishes she was out of her suit for this. In her Kara Danvers costume instead.

Kara watches the clear deflation. Kara knows what her name means to her. Know what it means for Kara to say her name like she did. Kara used to be the exception to that, but it didn’t seem like that was fact anymore.

They look at each other. Regarding their uneasy forms. Kara deflated as Supergirl, Lena, attempting to stand taller after the sound of her name struck her deeply. The posture of a scolded human in a costume next to the decidedly _super_ look of a now confident Lena.

“You look like Kal,” Kara whispers into the shadows between them, taking a step forward.

“You look fake,” Lena retorts, reaching to the button the forth button of her shirt, covering the slip of blue from her undershirt.

Kara frowns, nodding her head before ducking around the corner of a tent to change to be Kara Danvers again. She emerges, looking at Lena behind the false lenses, walking closer, searching Lena’s eyes, fury and fire, her heart beating wildly in her ear. Kara reaches out and slowly unbuttons the button on Lena’s shirt with her thumb and forefinger, blue once again visible.

Lena opens and closes her mouth at the action. There was no longer _nothing_ behind Kara’s eyes. It was almost too much. Lena almost wished it was nothing again. Kara looked at her with eagerness, yearning. She looked at her with a promise.

“What?” Lena asks, wanting to know the look behind Kara’s eyes, wanting to know the reasoning of the stare.

“It’s a good look. Super suits you,” Kara attempts a smile, not quite reaching her eyes, barely moving her mouth. Lena watches it all pay out on Kara’s face before turning back towards the carnival.

“Lena, wait,” Kara reaches out, holding on to Lena’s fingers, tugging for her to turn back around. “I’m sorry for disappearing. I’m sorry I left you with Lex. I’m sorry I showed up at your house drunk. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding in the shadows the entire time. I’m sorry.”

Lena pulls her hand out of Kara’s, searching her face for insincerity, that look of nothing again. She sees pain, desperation, regret, remorse, all in one look.

“Okay,” Lena nods and turns to leave again.

“Wait,” Kara reaches out and stops her again, “care to do a ride with me? You can pick anything you want,” Kara smiles at Lena, holding up a fist full of tickets for the rides. She had pulled them from the pocket of her pants, Lena’s eyes didn’t even notice the movement, so wrapped up in Kara’s smile.

“Fine,” Lena doesn’t know why she agrees but she does. Prepared to ditch Kara when she was away from wandering eyes. They walk out of the shadows, past the reunited family. Kara stops, looking back at Blake as Lena turns back to look at Kara, eyebrow raising as if asking her if she was coming.

Kara debated with herself. Lena had agreed to this, Lena who was very mad at her still, Lena who’s eyes were still full of fury. Kara almost wanted to back out, scared that this was about to go south fast since she hadn’t planned any of this.

Kara didn’t expect Lena to say yes. She definitely didn’t expect Lena to pick the scary fun house in the adult section of the carnival. The one with the pop out characters, the one you could only do if you were eighteen or older. The one you had to sign a waiver in order to enter.

But that was what Kara was in line for. Not talking to Lena, Lena not even looking her way. Lena, who knew she was afraid of this type of thing. Lena who knew she didn’t like landscapes or scenarios that were too foreign from that of Earth.

This was an alien zombie funhouse meant to bring in adults. As Kara got closer, her hands were itching to grip on to Lena, but she held back. Not touching. She held back when others left the fun house in tears or hurt or covered in fake blood. She did reach out, gripping Lena’s arm when a man carried out a crying woman in his arms

“Lena,” Kara whispers. Lena wretched her arm away, not responding.

Kara didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to go into a confined, dark space, and face people that might hurt Lena. People she might accidentally hurt. Lena moves forward in line, away from Kara.

“Lena,” Kara calls to her again at the front of the line. When Lena looks back, eyes wide, ready to partake in this insanity and drag Kara with her, cameras flash. Lena turns with a smile towards them, waving at the cameras, pulling Kara into her side. Kara drops it, letting herself be turned by Lena for the cameras. Putting on the mask of a fake best friend, smiling like that was still true.

“Can you,” Kara calls after Lena as she makes her way into the funhouse. “Can you stay close maybe?” Kara knows she sounds weak, pleading almost.

“You’re an indestructible alien. If you can’t handle this then maybe you should go home. There is no reason for you to be here anyway. Everywhere is safe for you, no Luthor villain after you now. The normal kind of safe. You’re not at work Kara. This isn’t work, so just leave. Go home,” Lena smirks into the dark, way too close to a shaking Kara, leaning into her, her forearms planted against Kara’s chest by the human jumping out inches in front of them. It was a dare if Kara had ever heard one. Daring Kara to fade back into the shadows.

“You know I can’t go home.” Kara whispers back, leaning into Lena.

Lena stops short, her smirk falling a little in the dim light as she leans closer to Kara, her hips pressing against Kara’s, her arms pushing deeper into Kara’s chest, as she feels Kara wrap her arms around her. 

She feels her body whipped around as Kara protects her from a man running at them with a fake chainsaw. Lena scoffs and pushes off from her, moving deeper into the maze of the fun house when the chainsaw retreats, Kara running to keep up.

Kara does catch up, one eye closed to stop the jump scares, stop herself from actually killing the people there that might want to do Lena harm. After the second scare, after the flashing lights of the first room, Kara grabs Lena’s hand not letting it go as Lena drags her to the next room.

“This reminds me of the time we faught Reign,” Kara pulls on Lena’s hand as a person reaches out in the distance. The room covered in silhouettes of dead trees, a smoke machine taking up the rest of the space.

“Really? This fake scenario reminds you of my best friend undergoing a world altering change that could have killed her daughter?” Lena’s voice drips in sarcasm as she tries to pry to her hand from Kara’s.

“Sam is your best friend?” Kara asks, pulling Lena close to her, hearing the release of the fake ax swinging down towards them.

“That's your question?” Lena looks at Kara with the last shred of her sanity, “All things considering, yes, Sam is my best friend,” Lena responds, gripping Kara’s hand just a bit tighter as a human jumps out from a hole in the wall, jumping back into her. Kara hip checks the human into the back wall to protect Lena.

She pushes past Kara, moving further into the fun house, past the unconscious worker on the fog covered floor.

“I thought I was your best friend,” Kara whispers into Lena’s hair as she pulls her back into her chest from another actor with a fake chainsaw,

“We were never friends, Kara,” Lena pushes out of her hold. “I am awake, remember? I don’t know you as my fake best friend anymore. I don’t know you at all. I am more than awake, if you need that reminder again. You are no one to me. Not really.”

Lena pushes ahead, not even flinching when an actor jumps out at her, just holding up a single finger for them to stop. Kara walks past the person, unscared, reaching for Lena again.

“That’s not what you are to me, Lena. You aren’t no one to me,” Kara pulls her in, twirling Lena around to face her. Lena shoves her away immediately, stalking away before stopping.

“Oh really,” Lean turns back, stalking towards Kara, her footsteps loud in the tiny hallway. “If I'm not no one then what am I? What am I, Kara?”

“You’re you,” Kara doesn’t even take a second to think. “You are my Lena. My best friend. The voice of reason. You're beautiful and kind. The smartest person I’ve ever met. Can go toe to toe with a 12th level intellect. You, Lena, are my person. And I want you to be with me always.” 

Kara moves closer to Lena as she speaks, pulling or pushing, she couldn’t tell, but she was close enough to Lena that she felt the intake of her breath, Kara felt all of Lena against her. She could see Lena, really see her in the fake light, Kara only hoped Lena could see her too.

“Shut up,” Lena breathes out against Kara’s lips, realizing how close they were in the artificial light. “Just, stop fucking talking to me like you care.”

Lena walks off into the next room, Kara following after her, the light significantly better here, reflecting in dozens of different directions.

“Lena,” it sounds more like a sob than a word, like Kara is already crying as she reaches for her hand. “Lena,” Kara whispers back, again, this time, desperate.

“What do you want?” Lena pulls her hand from Kara’s. “Why are you here? Why are you everywhere Kara? Please, you didn’t before but now, just say something real. Once please. I know I’m begging you,” Kara hears Lena’s intake of breath unable to see her clearly in the space that almost seems like water. “I’ll forget it tomorrow if you want, just,” Lena puts her hand against the mirror of the fun house steadying herself. “Say something real.”

“Are you awake?” Kara finds her and whispers against Lena’s ear, pushing her front to Lena’s back. Kara looks at her reflection as she opens her eyes, sees the reflection of Lena’s face a hundred times over in the room of mirrors. 

“I am,” Lena whispers, Kara feels it in every corner of her body, her mind. That's all she needs to say something real.

“I love you,” Kara whispers the words into the chaos of the room of mirrors. Lena looks up into Kara’s reflection, watching the hundreds of iterations of the pained expression on Kara’s face, at every angle, before nodding her head just once, a sarcastic frown on her face, head shaking, pushing Kara away, tears starting to fall, before she walks away completely.

“I said real, Kara.” Lena’s reflections move around the room in a smooth streak, unquestioning, certain, moving away from Kara.

“Wait, Lena,” Kara rights herself, attempting to follow Lena but runs face first into a mirror, the glass shattering. She brushes the shards of glass from her face, her shoulders before locating Lena again, running towards her only to collide into another mirror.

“Son of a-” Kara brushes more glass from her body, not seeing Lena’s reflection anywhere in the room.

“Lena!” Jess runs towards Lena as she exits the fun house. “You are wanted at the dunk tank.” Jess’ smirk is all too telling as Lena looks down at her white button up shirt. Knowing she has the flimsiest of lingerie underneath her tank top. The water would surely pull out the hidden Supergirl emblem and her lingerie.

“Jess, no. White shirt, me. I can’t do water right now,” Lena levels Jess with the CEO stare that stops her in her tracks. 

“I know Ms. Luthor which is why I have given you a choice,” Jess holds up a black shirt with _J-Nan_ on the front of it. “You can do the dunk tank in this shirt, raise like fifty thousand in seconds or not raise that money. Your call.” Jess flashes her teeth at Lena, a completely fake smile.

“My hair,” Lena tried to protest, already taking off her buttons up, handing it to Jess, slipping the shirt on over her camisole.

“I have a hair tie Ms. Luthor. Fifty thousand,” Jess flashes her a smile again and lobbing her head in the direction of the dunk tank.

They end up raising two-hundred thousand for Morgan Edge to miss three shots on the dunk tank, only to run up to punch the button after he missed three times. Lena sputters when she falls but laughs when she pushes off the plastic floor of the dunk tank, emerging from the cold water, locking eyes with a glass covered Kara, holding her white button up, as she rubs water from her eyes.

Kara looks for a second longer before turning away and leaving the carnival, glittering glass falling from her shoulders.

“Jess,” Lena calls to Jess, her teeth chattering in the cold. “Why did you give Ms. Danvers my shirt?”

Jess pulls back a little, not entirely sure how to answer this question. “She um, her name was on the tag. She came up next to me and I just handed it to her without thinking. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t want me to give it to her.” Jess’ eyes widen and she drinks in on herself.

“No, no, you are completely fine,” Lena calls through her shivering teeth, smiling genuinely. “It’s fine, though I wish I had something to change into. But no matter, I’ll head to the lost and found.” Lena smiles once more at Jess before making her way back to the security tent. 

After checking in, making sure they were set to keep watch until the last car in the parking lot left, Lena left the carnival before the fireworks were set to go off. She was sure she could see them from her condo.

After a long, hot shower, Lena settles into her couch with a glass of wine, a clear view of the National City skyline, waiting for the fireworks. She sits in silence in a baby blue button up and sleep shorts. She didn’t anticipate herself wanting to be in another of Kara’s shirts, it had just happened. She buttons the top button up close to her throat, to feel anything really. The hold of the shirt against her throat, the tightness against her breasts, that was enough for now as she sipped her glass of wine. They felt like a tight grip, a hug even.

Moments later, the first burst of fireworks came through her window. She watched the colors explode from the window until her eyes picked up on the stark silhouette on her balcony. She knew the body but she ignored it. Drinking her wine faster, making sure the door was locked. She wasn’t relaxed at all but she pretended to be. Her heart beat normally though her skin flushed and goosebumps erupted on her skin. She paid no mind to the outline on her balcony.

When the firework show ended, she refilled her glass, turning her tv on, pulling up a cult documentary she had started a few days ago. She was roped in almost immediately, not having to even fake her steady view on the TV screen. She just watched, engrossed. She looked only once, after the second episode ended. The silhouette was no longer there. She finished her second glass and slipped into bed.

\----------

Lena looks. She sees nothing. Nothing for nearly a month. She looks subtly but with purpose. She goes to the roof, Noonans, new coffee shops. She goes to take out places at dinner time. She looks and looks as hard as she ever has. Nothing.

If Kara doesn’t want to see her, she doesn’t want to be seen. So Lena starts staying at the bucker again. Lena knows, after the three word stake to her heart, the ball is in her court, but it's not, not really. Kara said one real thing, if it was real at all. One thing that was actually far too real to even be said in a room of mirrors. Meaning the words were said once but Lena saw it a hundred different ways, in a hundred different angles. Like Kara had planned it even though Lena picked the “ride”. She picked it because she knew it would unsettle Kara. 

Yet, here Lena was, weeks later, more unsettles than she had ever felt. Paler than ever after spending weeks in the bunker. Dry cleaned clothes running out. The need for human interaction outside of board meetings pushing at the forefront of her mind. The engineers had long since focused on refinement in the upper chambers of the lab. Lena was working on a human iteration of the nanites, trying to do right by Jack. She could hear his voice some nights, the drawl of it. She smiles to herself when she thinks of him.

Other nights she pictures Kara’s swinging legs perched on a table top, asking her questions. The three words, the _I love you_ said in so many different tones that it barely meant anything to Lena anymore, though it meant more each time. It was washed down by fake scenarios, muted by the image of Kara standing too close to her, saying it then pushing Lena’s work away. Pushing Lena against a table top.

Lena’s mind ran when she pictured that. Kara would hop from the table, kissing her, touching her, pushing her against walls, bending her over desks, ripping her clothes, taking control. Each night her mind went there, Lena refused to sleep. Refused to let her subconscious mind conjure up such lude, unwanted images of Kara.

Lena didn’t allow herself to look for two weeks after that. Two weeks of unwanted wet dreams, two weeks of failed projects. Two weeks of heightened temperament with Jess. Two weeks before Jess begged her to go home for the weekend. Relax, calm down, reset.

Lena let Jess talk to her with passion, let her tell Lena that she needed to sleep before five in the morning and sleep past eight. She let Jess get emotional before she held up her hand, stopping her, moving to collect her things on a Friday afternoon, well before working hours were set to end.

“I’m leaving now. I know I don’t have meetings for the rest of the day. You should go home too. I’ll see you Monday morning,” Lena rides the elevator down with Jess, silently, until Jess turns to her and thanks her. Lena brushes it off, encouraging Jess to take Monday off too. Lena told her she would be taking the day so she could too.

Jess nearly kissed Lena’s hand, instead pulling her into a hug, telling Lena it was her one year wedding anniversary with Mitch and they had planned something.

“I know,” Lena tells her, because she did, she had sent ten thousand dollars to Mitch to take Jess to Italy. Their flight was set to leave in four hours, returning Monday evening.

Lena watched her go as she returned to the panic room to gather her dry cleaning and head home. She dropped it off on the way, stopping at the corner store to restock for the next three days and finally head home. 

Saturday morning, Lena woke, feeling refreshed at eleven. She made coffee and sat on her balcony, feeling the sun on her skin. When she finished her cup, she retreated back inside, set for a full day in front of the TV.

Not two minutes later, a blue and red clad meteor landed with a crash on her balcony. Dust and debris filling her living room from the open door.

Lena immediately pushed her DEO panic button, running into her bathroom. The panic button continued to flash red, not yet turning green in acknowledgement. She waited. Waited for the steady green but all she got was flashing red. Minutes later, not a sound coming from her living room, she left the bathroom.

Lena waved the dust in the air away from her face, coughing slightly as she walked towards her balcony. There, curled up under a red cape, was a bloodied and beaten Supergirl. She took in a sharp breath of air, her panic button still flashing red as she ran forward.

“Kara,” Lena whispers, pushing blonde hair away from a bloodied face. “Kara,” Lena felt a sob take over her chest. She stood, grabbing Kara’s arms and dragged her inside. Lena was huffing and puffing by the time Kara was between her kitchen counter and the island.

Lena stood, observing the unmoving hero before springing into action. She pressed the still blinking red DEO button a dozen times before dropping it to the counter. She wet a few towels with warm water, dropping to her knees and cleaning away the blood from Kara’s face.

She tried to cut away her suit with a pair of scissors to see the extent of the damage but the scissors broke against the fabric. She used all of her strength to lift Kara up, pulling at the zipper at the back of her suit down to her hips. She layed Kara’s back to the floor of her kitchen, reaching up to push the DEO button a few more times before dropping it to the kitchen floor.

“Kara, darling, please wake up,” Lena whispers into her ear, begging. “I am going to remove your suit to… to check your body. I’m a doctor and this isn’t me being gross just, I hope you consent,” Lena pulls the suit down Kara’s shoulder, then down her arms, pulling it off, leaving her in just a sports bra from the waist up.

Lena sees a deep black bruise on her stomach, green veins iminating out of the impact point. Lena pushes away, gasping, looking for her phone then dialing a number.

“Brainy!” Lena yells after a clipped hello. “Kara’s here. There’s,” Lena pauses trying to slow down. “Kryptonite. She has kryptonite in her system. Send someone now!”

“Ms. Luthor?” Brainy responds back in a whisper. “Lena,” this time her voice is said in reverence. “Where are you?”

“My condo. Why is no one getting my DEO signal?” Lena paces before dropping back to Kara’s side.

“Alex,” Brainy chokes a bit. “Alex is hurt too. Your signal was a direct line to her. I will be there in moments.”

“Okay hur-” Lena stops talking as Brainy materializes in her condo, his eyes red and watery as he moves around the kitchen island.

“Boxes,” Brainy says once before holding his hand above Kara’s abdomen, reading her signal. “We need to move the kryptonite now. If we don’t there is a 72% chance she will not survive.”

Lena scrambles up, grabbing her keys “Where? Where does she need to go? Pick her up, come on,” Lena pulls open the front door of her condo, beckoning Brainy forward.

“Lena,” Brainy doesn’t move from his position on the floor. “She cannot move. Moving her will result in a 94% chance of death. You have to do it.”

Lena looks from Brainy to Kara’s immoble body on her kitchen floor, pale, nealy blue.

“You do it. You’re a twelfth level intellect,” Lena runs to her bathroom grabbing the full surgical kit she keeps there, thrusting it at Brainy.

“I cannot,” Brainy holds his hands up.

“The fuck?” Lena gapes at him, confused. “What do you mean you _cannot_ ,” Her voice shifting to a moc-Brainy voice. “Just do it!”

“I am not really here, Alex needs me more than Kara. My body is at the DEO operating on her as we speak. I can’t make it here in time. It must be you. I believe in you.”

Lena’s wild eyes look from Kara to Brainy, his eyes equally as panicked. 

“Fine, fine,” Lena pushes up her sleeve, she pulls out several medical supplies and tools from the kit. “You’re going to need to guide me on this and if she dies, tell Alex… Tell her I tried everything I could.”

\-------

Two months later, Lena gets a call, she had ignored about fifty others from various people, declined lunches, kept balconies locked, but this one was a name she hadn’t ignored yet. She had texted this number many times since they had saved Supergirl together. Lena has always responded to vague texts here and there with even vaguer responses, but has never received a call.

“Brainy?” Lena calls into her ear phones during spin class.

“Ms. Luthor, are you in danger?” His voice rang through calm and clear.

“No,” Lena held back a laugh, she had never taken a call in spin class before, but she knew she sounded out of breath, maybe even in danger from her heart rate and how flushed her cheeks were. “What’s going on?”

There was a moment of silence though Lena could hear beeps, movement, muffled yelling.

“It’s Ka- It's Supergirl. I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important,” Lena can hear the hesitation in his voice. Can hear how he probably begged for any other option. Had begged J’onn to do something more, Nia. Anything to leave Lena out of it.

“What’s wrong?” Lena jumps off her bike, already moving towards the exits, not even offering the instructor an explanation as she leaves and jumps into the car waiting there, giving her driver the address to the DEO.

“Supergirl has encountered something we can’t extract. Something we can’t even figure out yet. She’s been unconscious for about eight hours under the sun lamps but I think we need you.”

“What, are the odds higher if I’m there?” Lena wants to laugh, almost telling her driver to forget the current destination, Kara always recovered. She hadn’t interacted with anyone other than Brainy for two months. Even after she knew they were always there in the shadows of each of her events.

Kara had even started sending her these stupidly attractive half smiles or head nods when Lena inevitably caught her eye on the roof or through a window. She knows she was protected. But she never talked to anyone outside of Brainy after they saved Kara. After Kara had told her she loved her.

“The odds are one hundred present if you arrive. I have never encountered odds so high,” Brainy admitted almost reluctantly.

“Brainy,” Lena pauses, knowing the same odds as him, “what is it?”

“I don’t know Ms. Luthor. Lena.... I have never had one hundred percent chance odds before. It's the only reason I called you here I promise.”

“I’m five minutes out, I’ll see you soon,” Lena hangs up the phone. Dread fills her just as much as the feeling of being wanted, needed does.

“Lena!” Alex yells, running towards her, waving off her escort into the med bay, Lena gives her a clipped, fake smile and follows her down the halls.

“What do you know?” Lena asks after a few steps alongside Alex.

“Nothing. Nothing other than Brainy said you’re the game changer,” Alex opens the door, letting Lena walk in first before walking behind her.

Lena sees Kara unconscious on the hospital bed. Her skin golden and alive. So different than when Lena had last seen her on her kitchen floor.

“Are you doing the brain dive thing or something? Did I draw the short straw?” Lena crosses her arms, turning towards Alex, confused.

“That,” Brainy enters the room with a familiar white piece of plastic in his hands, “Is exactly what we are doing.”

“Why?” Lena looks from the brain connector to Kara’s uninjured body. “She looks fine.”

“She coded about an hour ago. She’s in her mind palace,” Alex whispers, looking at Lena.

“Coded as in…” Lena trails off, maintaining eye contact with Alex. The longing, the desire that Lena feels to reach out to Alex is so strong she has to grasp her own bicep to keep her hands steady.

“She stopped breathing. The sun lamps brought her back to this but everything else, she locked herself away. She is protecting herself right now.”

“It wasn’t on the news. I didn’t see any battle,” Lena states into the room, flushing slightly at confirming she still kept tabs on Kara.

“It happened too fast,” Alex’s offers. “We didn’t even see what attacked her.”

“So, me, you called me, to go into her mind palace to get her out. Why didn’t you go in?” Lena asks Alex as she settles herself into the chair next to Kara, taking the plastic head piece from Brainy.

“I did,” is all she gets as a response, Alex turning away, clearing wiping at tears.

“I also went in as did J’onn. Eliza is on her way here but I looked into it and it has to be you,” Brainy affirms, walking closer to her with the device, securing it to her forehead as she settles in the chair next to Kara.

“One hundred percent?” Lena looks at Brainy, whispering.

“One hundred,” Brainy said before dropping her into Kara’s mind palace.

\------

“No, no, no! Sweet girl no!” she hears Kara’s voice laughing, ringing into her head as she opens her eyes on a couch. She blinks rapidly, taking in the surroundings of a living room that feels foreign yet comfortable. She pushes herself up from the couch, moving towards the sound of Kara’s voice as more of the house materializes in front of her.

She turns the corner into the kitchen, watching Kara hold a spatula over a pan and pull a small child, no more than three years old, down from the ceiling by her leg, an egg in her hand.

“Mama!” The shriek fills the room as the toddler pushes off the ceiling, launching herseld towards Lena. The bullet of a child smashes against her chest, pushing Lena back onto the hardwood floor, the toddler sitting above her covered in flour and egg. Some of it dripping down onto Lena’s shirt. Lena knows she should feel the cold of the liquid through her light shirt but it doesn’t register against her skin.

“Hi baby,” Lena calls instinctively, she feels herself falling deeper into the mind palace with each passing second. Sitting up, letting the child slide down into her lap, her hands bracketing the child’s small back. “What are you making?”

The child grins up at Lena with the tiniest teeth, an ocean in their eyes, turquoise, both blue and green swirling together, their shoulder length black curls caked in flour.

“Pancakes!” the child yells in Lena’s face, her tiny, dirty fingers gripping Lena’s cheeks.

“Pancakes sound perfect baby,” Lena calls and stands with the child in her arms. She takes in the glow of the kitchen, the sun barely above the horizon. Kara stares at her with reverence as she moves closer to her.

“Hi, sorry, Liv wanted to make pancakes. I know you told me to say no because we make too much noise in the kitchen, especially with baby brother asleep, but,” Kara tickles the child in Lena’s arms. “I couldn’t resist when she said it was for you.” Kara kisses Lena’s cheek turning back towards the stove and the tiny girl, her daughter, squirms in Lena’s arms. 

“Mama down, I need to help mommy,” Liv kicks against Lena’s stomach a few times before Lena relents, not wanting to lose the feeling of her daughter against her.

The child drops to the floor, tiny legs running along the hard word to climb up Kara’s body next to the stove, flipping pancakes.

“Baby, you know you shouldn’t be that close,” Lena feels herself say without her consent, she feels the words being pulled from her as she walks towards Kara, her daughter. Lena reaches out to the child, taking her from Kara’s back, holding her close.

“Mama’s right baby girl,” Kara turns to Lena smiling. “You know you can't be too close to the stove. Tough skin or not,” Kara points the spatula at the child, sending the tiniest bit of batter flying across the small space landing on Lena’s shirt. “Oops,” Kara grins sheepishly, reaching out to wipe the batter off and pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Lena’s mouth in apology.

Lena feels like her brain is on fire. The casual way Kara kisses her, her daughter in her arms. She knows this isn’t right but she wants all of it. She is trying to remember what her task was, or why she felt like she had a task in the first place but it's slipping from her mind.

“I have tough skin. Stronger than yours mama! That's why I have to be gentile,” Lena feels tiny fingers tickle under her chin and across her cheeks, the familiar grin of her daughter right in her face. Lena giggles, kissing all over the child’s face, blowing raspberries against her tiny neck.

“Mama!” the child squeals and wiggles against her. At that moment of pure bliss, Lena holding a daughter she never knew she wanted, the cries of another child breaks the calm of the kitchen. Kara moves from the stove towards Lena.

“I can get him if you want,” Kara smiles down at Lena, kissing her forehead, as their daughter blows raspberries into her cheek, grin so wide and happy Lean doesn't even know what to feel. She reaches up to ruffle her daughter’s hair, dropping a kiss to Kara’s cheek before pulling back, handing Liv to Kara.

“I’ve got him,” Lena smiles and walks towards the sounds of the crying. She doesn’t know what to expect. A tiny super baby, a normal baby, either way, she hadn’t ever been in the presence of a baby before in her life yet she offered to tend to it’s cries. 

When she pushes open the door of the room, she knows exactly what to do. She scoops up the tiny baby from the crib and walks him back downstairs to her family. He stopped crying as soon as he was picked up, nuzzling into Lena’’s neck. 

“Jarry!” Liv yells already climbing Lena’s legs when she comes into view.

“Liv, come baby, you know your mama can’t walk with you on her legs like that,” Kara swoops her daughter up against her chest, looking down at their son in Lena’s arms.

“Livy baby, can you do something for me?” Lena finds the words floating from her mouth, again, like they had been said hundreds of times without her knowledge. 

“Anything mama, does Jarry need something?” Kara puts Liv down, the child looking up at Lena expectantly. 

“Get mama a cloth from the cupboard okay?” Lena smiles at Liv as she runs and grabs a white cloth, bringing it back to her.

Kara holds out a bottle from the stove stop, shrugging at her because she can't test it against her skin. Lena holds out her arm, the action so normal, practiced, she actually feels a dash of liquid this time, the perfect temperature, before smiling at Kara, setting the bottle against her son's mouth.

“We didn’t name him Jerry did we?” Lena asks as the baby starts suckling the bottle. Kara looking at her in question.

“Of course not.” Kara laughs, flipping a pancake. “That's not an L name. We named him Luka. She calls him Jarry because the Irish name for brother is too hard for her to say just yet.” The image of the kitchen, her children, glitch for just a moment before coming back into focus.

Lena feels her heart swell and break, remembering where they are. Remembering that this scene is Kara’s mind palace, a place she created to feel safe. Two kids with L names that knew Irish words, from the babbling of Liv, she could tell they knew Kryptonian words too. 

“What’s our surname?” Lena asks, holding her baby boy closer to her as she feels the ground slightly shake underneath her feet.

“Lena, what's wrong?” Kara asks, stopping the flipping of breakfast, leveling Lena with a serious look.

“Nothing,” She stands, moving towards Kara, reaching out for her. “I just like to hear you say it is all.”

“It’s Elle. It was the perfect mash up of our last names. Do you not like it anymore? I’d do Luthor in a second and Liv is young enough we can change it,” Kara whispers the last part of her sentence.

“No, no babe, I love it,” Lena feels the pull at her chest then. She knew this wasn’t real the moment she touched down into the space. But she wanted it. She wanted all of this. Kids. Kara. A new last name.

“We could have done Zor-El you know. I wouldn’t have been against it,” Lena smiles at Kara holding Liv, still holding their son as the ground shutters below her feet.

“I know babe. I wanted Luthor, full stop, but you said Danvers. I countered with Alex having kids to carry on that name. You countered with me being an alien and my last name was all I had left. Then I countered further that Zor-El would make it hard for our kids to feel normal especially when I didn't then you suggested Elle, just Elel. It took weeks to settle on it but it’s perfect. Elle for Luthor, Elle for the house of El but not Kal’s last name.”

Lena breathes out, her eyes watering as the floor shakes again. She lets the baby in her arms disappear as she walks closer to Kara.

“Kara,” Lena whispers into the space of the kitchen.

“Yeah, babe,” Kara asks off hand, not noticing the shaking or the slowly fading scene, still flipping pancakes, still holding Liv.

“Look at me,” Lena pleads, missing the weight of their son in her arms more than she wanted to admit. She watches Liv disappear from Kara's arms as she gets closer. The stack of pancakes gone, the oven, the kitchen itself fades to black as the ground starts to shake harder under them. Kara reaches for Lena’s arm, something to hold on to.

“This isn’t real. You have to come back, okay? You have to wake up,” Lena smiles up at Kara, wrapping her arms around Kara’s waist.

“What do you mean, I’m right here?” Kara leans in, dropping her forehead against Lena’s, pulling her close, her hands clasped at the small of Lena’s back.

“Liv and Luka, this house, our last name, us, it’s not real. So I need you to open your eyes. You’ve got to wake up,” Lena whispers against Kara’s lips.

“Of course it’s real Lena, I’m right here. My eyes are open. I love our kids. I love you. I’m awake, I’m here,” Kara responds, not opening her eyes, leaning further into Lena. Lena could see the kitchen, the house all falling away back into reality.

“Tell me that when you open your eyes okay. Remind me that you love our kids. Let me know that you love me. Ready to do that?” Lena talks against Kara’s lips, feeling the ghost of them, the warmth.

“I am so beyond ready to do that,” Kara smiles against Lena’s mouth, leaning in to kiss her before she wakes up. 

Pain grips her body instantly, her imaginary kids gone, any pleasure she had from seconds ago, lost in the agony of this recovery. She screams, writhing against the chair she is strapped to, catching a glimpse of green eyes before passing out.

\--------

“Yes?” Lena answers her phone the next day as she enters the elevator to her condo.

“Lena,” Alex’s voice fills the speaker. Lena closes her eyes for a second before answering,

“Obviously.”

“It was an airborne Black Mercy,” Alex calls against her ear, Lena wanting to hang up immediately.

“Okay? What is a Black Mercy? Is it a form of kryptonite? Is Kara okay? Why are you calling me? When I left she was fine.” Lena pushes into her apartment, dropping her bag, kicking off her shoes.

“It attempts to kill people in their perfect state of mind. Keep them there until they can suck the life out of them.”

Lena freezes.

“Keep looking Agent Danvers, that is not what I experienced with Kara,” Lena foregoes the bottle of wine for a glass of scotch.

“It was, we ran tests. What happened? Kara is refusing to tell me and we need to know,” Alex pleads with her.

“If she can’t tell you, I can’t help you Agent Danvers,” Lena hangs up, feeling the hole in her heart at the loss of a perfect world and the fact that Kara refused to talk about it with the people she loves.

\---------

“Lena.”

The voice comes from the open balcony door three days later. She had kept it closed, locked in place, until it was too hot to keep it closed any longer. She had air conditioning, but it was too early for it and she liked the sounds of the city at night.

“Nope.” Lena sat up from her position on the couch, annoyed, “Go home. If you’re too drunk I can call for a cab. Go away.”

“Lena,” Kara moves from the balcony, sound of mind and intention. Looking at her so completely, so full of something Lena couldn’t place. So she looks away.

“Go home Kara. Please or I’ll call Alex again,” Lena looked away from the expression directed at her. She couldn’t look at her any longer.

“Liv and Luka,” is all Kara says, no more, no less. She stays at her spot near the balcony door, waiting.

“What about them?” Lena finally asks, turning to look at Kara, her breathing leveled out, quiet enough.

“I want that,” Kara responds. She’s not in her super suit, her bangs have grown out, her hair is down. She’s not wearing glasses. She is standing in chinos and a grey sweater. It's the combination of realities that Lena sees first. 

Kara and Supergirl. Kara Danvers and Kara Zor-El. Her best friend and a superhero. A regular human and someone that has saved her life countless times. A Luthor and a Super. A Luthor going against her mother, her brother. A Luthor helping aliens. A Luthor elevating a member of the house of El.

“It was poison Kara. It wasn’t real,” Lena counters, settling back into the couch, playing at nonchalance, pouring herself more wine.

“Let me die by that poison then. I wanted it. I want it with you,” Kara makes her way into Lena’s condo, her hands fidgeting at her hips, her cheeks tinted pink.

Lena says nothing, keeping her eyes focused on the TV. She keeps her breath slow and steady, takes small sips of her wine like this was a normal night. She wills Kara to just leave.

“Lena,” Kara breathes her name out, begging, into the condo, deep anguish held in her name as Kara says it.

“Don’t,” is all Lena can muster as Kara moves further into the condo. Lena stays on the couch as Kara moves into her space. She heard the clanking of pans, the shuffle of bags. She tried to ignore it.

“Lena,” Kara calls out over the sounds of the TV. Pulling down ingredients as she moves through Lena’s kitchen.

Lena stays, not daring to look behind her. She can feel the presence of their fake children, she had felt them since she left Kara's mind palace. She has felt Kara acutely, no matter where she was, for the past three days like they were bound by some invisible string.

“Can you please leave,” Lena breathes out, still on the couch, when she smells the distinct smell of pancakes in her kitchen.

“No,” the response was sure, unwavering.

Lena sees red again, deeply, more invasive than she has ever seen before. She pushes herself off her couch, stalking to the kitchen. She pushes her body between Kara and the stove, flicking the heat of the stove off.

“Leave,” Lena calls into Kara’s face, pushing her back against the kitchen island. “Please leave.” Lena begs now. She can’t have Kara in her space, utter the names of their fake children, making pancakes with the clear absence of Liv.

“No,” Kara stands up straighter, pushing back against Lena in her own kitchen.

“Why?” Lena bites out, pushing Kara harder into the island with her hand against her chest, knowing it meant nothing. Knowing Kara could push her away at any time.

“I love you,” Kara says it again, easily, sure, like it's a part of their daily lives, like it means nothing and everything at the same time. The red behind Lena’s eyes flash brighter still.

“Don’t say that to me again. Don’t show up here and make pancakes again. Don’t make me have to save you again just to leave me. Just leave me once and for all!” Lena screams at Kara, pushing off her, moving around the kitchen island.

“I won’t,” Kara responds, advancing on Lena.

“Good. Now go,” Lena points to the open balcony door.

“You don’t understand,” Kara moves closer to the fire behind Lena’s eyes. “What I mean is, I won’t leave you again. Never. I might ask you to save me again but I will never leave you. Are you awake now?” Kara grips Lena’s arms pulling her close.

“I’ve always been awake with you, Kara. You were the one that wasn’t. I need you to leave now,” Lena feels a sob rib through her body as tears fill her eyes.

“I’m awake,” Kara responds, pulling Lena close, “I’m right here,” Kara responds with Supergirl confidence, jaw set, eyes unmoving from Lena’s. Lena pushes her away, laughing.

“You saw a fake world from some alien poison. You don’t mean any of this. You can have your fairy tale future with dozens, hundreds of other people. It doesn’t need to be me so just..Just leave me alone while you do it.”

“Lena,” Kara pushes off the kitchen island, pushing into Lena. “You,” Kara breathes out against her. “Are the only person I have ever truly wanted,”

Lena’s eyes widen, taking in her words before she leaves the kitchen walking back towards the couch.

“Four years and you’d think I could guess when you were lying,” Lena laughs, wrapping her arms around herself. “Four years of a fake person, my person, and there is still more lying. You should win an oscar for your acting skills. I’ll write to the academy.” 

“Don’t,” Kara moves towards Lena carefully. “I’m not acting and you’d be embarrassed by my acceptance speech. It would be about you, Lena. I love you. I’m in love with you. I think I have loved you from the moment I met you. I have never been truthful with you. I know that, but this is my honest to Rao’s truth. I love you. I saw my perfect world with you. It's always been you. So please believe me when I tell you that I love you.”

Lena hears her, she hears every word. She hears the strain in Kara’s voice, the sincerity. She knows it's not a lie, but she can't do this, not now, not with Liv’s chubby cheeks in her mind, the weight of Luka, _Jarry_ , a word that Kara shouldn’t even know, in her mind. She needs more time to heal from it all.

“Leave. Leave Kara, please. You can’t say you love me and not mean it. I couldn’t, I can’t bear another heartbreak, not from you,” Lena feels herself cry in earnest. She feels her shoulders shake at the loss of a fairy tale reality she would never get to have. Four year of a fake friendship she put her entire being into. A handful of months where she destroyed the one thing she loved in true Luthor fashion. They could not have the love either of them wanted. They had both ruined it.

“I know I broke your heart, so please let me try to fix it,” Kara takes another step closer, her palms up in surrender. 

“You can’t fix it, I can’t fix it. I loved you Kara, but I can’t do this,” Lena grips her forearm to keep her feet rooted on the spot and not let Kara try. 

“You loved me? Passed tense?” Lena can hear the wobble in Kara’s voice, see the falter in her next step forward.

“I’m not ready to do this. Please leave,” Lena turns away from Kara, crying, not wanting to feel the _what if_ of this all any longer. Not wanting to feel the heat of Kara just standing in her condo. Not wanting to feel each jagged edge of her broken heart. Not ready to let Kara mend it when Lena knew she had to pick up the pieces herself before handing them back.


End file.
